You'd be doing down with me, jackass.

[God.]

Do you use brute force to solve everything? Sad.

[Scowl scowl grunt.]

Not like you'd be satisfied if I used any other way either.

[For approximately 15 seconds he sulks.]

For the record: I don't like plaid.

Guess that's what I'm buying you for Christmas.

[though he'll hop off the escalator now to wander into the store.... time to look for the ugliest pillows he can find]

[Zoro just. Grumbles. Stupid Baren. He's lost this battle but not the war.]

Over here. You'll just get white comforters that way.

[Weird. He seems to know this section pretty well.]

[ . . . huh.]

Did you do home decorating without me? I thought for sure you'd be too hopeless and colorblind...

I already got him a gift. Came here with another guy. We got him one of those things... the ones you scrub yourself with in the shower? It had the Bulk on it. In it?

[Doesn't matter. He points ahead of him, past a sea of sheet sets.]

The pillows are over here.

[a soft gasp]

You picked things out with other men? Z... I thought what we had was special.

[but he's just being a little shit now

moving right on ahead to the pillows and making a sincere attempt to find the grossest one - except he also finds one with a nice floral print and picks it up automatically]

Oh... I like this. I could leave it at Kiyo's....

[he's hot then he's cold, he's yes then he's no]

[Zoro baps Baren in the head with a cylindrical couch pillow.]

We're here for Joe.

[Joe? Jim? Whatever.] ... It needs lace. It's not bad enough.

.... words I never thought I'd hear you say: that.

You into lace, Z?

[Another pillow bap.]

Lace and flowers. You can't get more old cat lady than that.

I like dogs too - it's why I keep you around.

[but he'll laugh and knock his own pillow against zoro before dancing around him, moving further down the aisle]

C'mon, c'mon, we still gotta pick something gross.

There's those scented candles a few aisles down.

[He's taking his pillow with him. It's ugly and horrible but damn if it ain't great for whapping.]

They might have soap too.

Do they have any that smell like feet.

[who's gonna put together the worst gift basket???? this one]

They all do.

[But... hm. The more he thinks about it.]

There was one that kinda smelled like the abandoned warehouses near my garage. Kind of musty and reeks of animal poop, you know?

We can stuff those inside the pillow to make the firecrackers pop!!

Do you think they'd smell like burnt poop after?

[HE LOVES THIS IDEA]

Only one way to find out.

[Zoro grins. He hopes they explode and rain gross soap bits.]

Hey. You think the firecracker will set off the sprinklers? Maybe the soap will lather up.

And then Jim will smell like animal shit for weeeeeeks!

[AHAHAHAHA

why are they friends]

No woman would want to be around him.

[are they lowkey trying to sabotage jim's questionable marriage??]