[a few months ago, zoro nearly died. baren had gotten angry with him for it. ironic, considering right now, this moment, feels worse.

if i took you seriously i would've said no faster

It moves through him the same as poison and that's what makes it dangerous. A knife, a stabbing–he could survive that. The pain was momentary, only resurrected in the form of spontaneous twinges. The first time they had talked about this, that's what it had been like. Sharp, painful, but manageable. Now, it only felt like that blade had been dipped in poison that was only now starting to take hold.

Zoro bites back questions neither of them wants to think about as his gut cannibalizes itself. he scrubs his face and tries to find the words baren wants to hear. for some reason, it's harder to think about than anything else.]

Yeah. Alright. [that was just how it was then, right? they had wanted two opposites, maybe. baren had wanted something physical for–(what? their whole relationship? was that why he had stuck around this long in the first pla–) –

–Zoro scrubs his face again. both hands this time.] Got it the first time, right? Don't need to repeat it.

[besides, it's a moot point now that...

fuck. god. he needed to get out of here. despite only having taken a few bites of his thai food, he starts to box it up again.] Listen... thanks for the food. Just not that hungry. Don't touch it, yeah? I'll eat it when I get back.

[although the thought of not returning to their shared apartment is tempting.]

[Baren's across the room in seconds.

before Zoro can escape again, leave him again, he's physically in front of him. he doesn't really know expect it to work since even that physical divide between the strength has only gotten worse but - he's trying. so he puts himself as a physical barrier between Zoro and the door, hands finding the other's wrists and trying to meet his eye]

—If that was a lie, I forgive you.

[because zoro eats small villages worth of food and the idea of him not being hungry is weird.

but their everything is based on no lies - Baren accepts no lies, everyone's word has to mean something to him. the irony is that in this case, he still didn't believe them.

still though, he struggles and it's only because of the tenseness in his shoulders that he admits - ] I'm here until you dismiss me but you said you aren't going anywhere, so stop fucking leaving—

[but he'd also said that what good would he be as a captain or king if zoro's freedom took him somewhere away from him?]

Or - do. Fuck.

[Baren shoots from the hip when he tries to comfort people. It's the words that he truly honestly believes that come out then - and maybe that's why they're effective. This time the words feel like lead on his tongue. He cornered Zoro in their own shared home to have this conversation and still managed to fuck it up because he only said pieces of what he meant to, of what his actual reasoning is. But damn if it wouldn't sound pathetic out loud.

... well, maybe that would just help Zoro realize he dodged a bullet - ]

I let myself have the things I want.

[vacations, fancy things, living based on whims]

But hell if I'll take things I don't deserve. [and that's what it boils down to, grossly - ] I'm kind of fucked, Z. And I know you get that. And maybe you can see a future with someone who doesn't know if he can even fucking love another human being - but if someone else answered your feelings with half-assed empty promises, I'd kill them myself.

But I'd only be bad for you.

S'why I would say no faster. Get it? It's that fuckin' cliche.

[It's not you, it's me and my thousand issues and endless baggage and how you deserve better than that.

Still, the honesty stings. He holds onto Zoro until Zoro throws himself off but having the words leave his mouth - admitting all the defects he still has and waiting for Zoro to still leave - results in the faintest tremors in Baren's fingers. He still doesn't back down.]

Can you just deck me for being an asshole now? Something, anything -

[Just. Don't go. Or leave quicker if it's for good.]

[they're here again. the food isn't being cooked this time and zoro's not the one pleading but it's the same space, the same positions, the same unsettling weight in his gut. the last time he had been here, zoro had pressed his lips against baren's hand. against his lips.

he could still recount every detail of the kiss. he wished he couldn't–tried to make it impossible, locking it away and suffocating it right after it had first happened. now, in revives in the very same climate it was born in and zoro spends a good minute mulling over how easy an action it would be to repeat.]

–Why should I? [a deep breath defeats the urge. it hadn't been a good idea when he had first kissed baren; it'd be a worse one now. self-satisfying in only a fantasy where neither of them cared about how the other would react. where neither of them cared about the consequences.

it couldn't happen and so it wouldn't. zoro holds baren's shoulders at arm's length to keep it that way.] I'm the one being an ass.

[there's a familiar tenderness that baren may recognize now that he's gotten his head out of his ass. a similar look to the first time they stood in this kitchen, back when zoro cemented his promise not to leave. it's gentle, caring, bare–the purest sincerity zoro keeps so well-guarded.] Don't know why but I wanna kiss you. Think it's 'cuz I don't like you talking like that. With everything you've done for me...

[he takes a step back, taking his hands off baren's shoulders and holding them up in front of him. a silent gesture. stay back.] Think you know more about love than I do. Just too dumb to realize. [he grins. chuckles. it doesn't reach his eyes.] You've given me everything. Wouldn't be standing here if you hadn't broken into my damn hospital room so much back then.

[it's a hard thing to admit. probably the first time he ever has admitted it.] You've only been good for me. It's that fuckin' cliche.

[using baren's own words against him. it seems like a good idea but his smile cracks as he says it and the pain underneath finally starts showing. he takes another step back. shoves his hand in his pocket. rubs the back of his neck. looks at anything but baren.]

... I ain't gonna leave. Just... need a day, alright? This shit's new and... [he scratches his cheek, glancing at the kitchen sink almost timidly.] ... wasn't expecting to go through it twice.

[they say it's easy to fall in love with someone when you see a side of them that no one else does.

baren never believed that - and still doesn't believe it now when zoro's walls come down. there's none of those feelings of affection and warmth, just the same ache and anxiety sprung from causing hurt to someone that he cares about. zoro deserves more than this. it's not his first time delivering rejection - not by a long shot - but for some reason this one feels heavier than all the rest. maybe it's because he never expected to field these types of emotions from someone that he cherishes, treasures.

there's still some confusion, some frustration in the sense of what the fuck do you see in me?

followed by the frustration of knowing that he'd give zoro anything in the world, anything he could ever ask for, but there's no way that he could give him this.

when the word 'kiss' leaves zoro's lips - baren doesn't tense, he doesn't pull back, he only looks confused. it's a known fact to both of them how much baren hates infidelity and even now he trusts that zoro would never do anything to break one of baren's few moral rules. instead it's just the swirling confusion, the inability to understand what's going through zoro's brain. it's not a feeling he likes.

he's given him everything? only been good to him? zoro might miss it - the way that baren's brow furrows because he's never thought anything of that, of the way they met. he broke into the hospital room because he needed to, then because he wanted to, because there was someone inside who was worth his while in this new city that made laughter easy.

did that really mean so much?

wasn't it just for fun?

something twists in his stomach then as he realizes that there might be a lot about his relationship with zoro that he never realized - that never crossed his mind as something meaningful, it was just them.]

... you know Koko'll be pissed if you deal with this by yourself just because she might be studying.

[ - because at least baren can realize when he's said enough. when the truth has become evident to both of them and they both need time to process it. it sucks it sucks it sucks not being there for zoro when he's anything less than 100% but.]

You get a day. You need longer, you let me know.

... You need anything else that I can give, you let me know.

[time? space? actually moving out? he can do that. for once, he fully offers zoro command of where they stand.]