[ . . . . . ]

Hm.

Well alright, we can call it a day. I guess I can show this video around the next time I'm around a film set.

[erk.]

Hand me the damn sequins.

[damn right he's mumbling that. Maybe the lady behind him won't hear.]

[and baren gives a terribly annoying smirk

along with all the shitty, shitty clothes with disgusting patterns over to zoro]

You got it, Boss.

[grumbling, he carries the clothes into the dressing room.]

I'm just trying them on!

[and definitely not showing him. Especially once he realizes how bad his situation is.]

Why the hell doesn't this one cover my stomach?!

[why did you get him a sequined crop top]

[okay but the second the door closed, baren was pulling a hairpin out of his hair to pick at the lock. how does he get away with this. why isn't the attendant saying anything.

regardless he opens the door, already laughing]

Show, show, show! Do a little turn...!!

[zoro shoves past baren and shouts at the attendant.]

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO STOP THIS?!

[it might have been threatening if zoro wasn't wearing a glittering crop top. As it is, she starts laughing. It makes Zoro too flustered. He drags Baren into the dresding room just to save himself from the open door.]

I'm gonna beat your haunted ass once all this is done.

Don't get too mad at her, I'll probably bring up sales a ton once I pick what I'm buying from here.

[which is why baren gets away with shit.... terrible. sena might've been on to something when he said that baren gets away with too much just because he's quirky and good-looking.

anyway he'll just lean against one side of the wall and

not respond to zoro's threat, he's just gonna snap a pick of him in this gross glittery crop top while doing a low wolf whistle]

[Suddenly: a firm hand around Baren's phone. even in a glittery crop top, zoro looks like a man ready to kill.]

I'll break it.

[he can. baren's probably seen it happen to the phones of his pushy suitors.

he strips and pulls out the next outfit. time to spin the wheel and see what it is.]

[baren will just snort - ]

Don't do that, I don't have anyone's number memorized.

[liar liar he has his sister's number memorized and he might be able to dial the inkwell on muscle memory but details.

the answer is a man skirt + denim fabric halter combo

baren is very pleased he found both of these things in zoro's size]

[why.

zoro can't even put the full thing on. his body is rejecting it. the shirt he manages but the skirt remains at his thighs for a hot second before he's scrambling to get out of it.]

No.

[he's getting the skirt thrown at his face]

SHUT UP!

[the halter top too. and the outfit he just tried on. he's just throwing a flustered fit.]

[baren manages to catch the skirt - but the halter top gets him in the face. not that he even really cares he's still dying of laughter. he wipes at his eyes to make sure there's no tears.]

Ahahaha, you're a good sport, Z...! I'll treat you to something good after this, 'kay?

To what? Ice cream? There's nothing you could get me that'd make up for this.

[he's not 12. he's not gonna be satisfied with a dumb ice cream cone.

he grabs the next outfit, desperately hoping the pile will run out soon.]

I was thinking booze. But I guess we could always mix booze and ice cream. You ever try to make a pie out of alcohol?

[what if baren's domesticity met his bad life choices

what if

anyway the next outfit is some overbearingly furry coat, no shirt, and pleather pants

baren actually wonders if zoro would wear this normally]

I don't like sweets. Sounds like a waste of good booze.

[he

actually likes this. the pleather's a bit cheesy–leather pants weren't hard to find–but the coat? he's into it to the point where he's checking himself out in the mirror, nodding in approval.]

This isn't bad.

Let me do your hair again, I'll make you into Macklemore for real.

[just saying

please god why]

I'm never letting you near my hair again.

[does zoro even know who macklemore is? does he listen to anything but classic rock? who knows.

he's not taking the coat off. the lame pants, sure.]

If this place sells all these overpriced clothes shouldn't they have real leather?

[not that it really matters since he has five pairs of leather pants but. you know. more never hurt.]

But I think cotton candy pink would look sooooo good on you.

[right????]

And I dunno, I didn't check.

[he went

straight for the pleather

this is friendship]

What the hell? Did you just go looking for clothes I'd hate?

[he's so offended. unsurprised, but offended.]

This stuff is like paper. You know how easily it tears?

[that's alright though. zoro's a grown man. he squeezes next to baren just to shout at the attendant for real leather. she complies, confused but intrigued all the same. he grunts his thanks, closes the door again and

pushes the pants against baren's cheek.]

Feel that? Real leather.

[for fuck's sake]

Don't press leather against my face, that's too kinky for the daylight hours.

[and he just manages to sound annoyed???? and otherwise shoves zoro's hand away with a sigh]

I'm a model, stupid. You think I don't know what leather feels like?

[he's also a lewd. and raids zoro's closets. those two explanations exist apart from each other.]

[his pants don't even fit you, baren.

anyway, he gives baren a flat look as he pulls his pants on.]

Dunno since you couldn't seem to pick it out.

[shimmy shimmy shimmy. the downside to leather pants is that they're just. real tight. these especially. zoro doesn't seem to mind.]

Could use more padding but I guess they're alright. [just gonna pat himself down here to check.] You got anymore outfits or are you finally satisfied?

Hope you never want kids.

[zoro and his ridiculously tight pants - but baren just shrugs easily.]

Eh, the fun part anyway. We got another store to hit but it'll be boring in comparison.... Ah well, I had a good laugh.

Sadist.

[Still, just one store? That doesn't seem right when she's such a shopaholic. He's relieved, but still–]

One store's pretty tame for you, Nami.

[Wait.]

[Wait.

. . . . . . .

A long, long, long silence as Baren levels an almost icy look a Zoro.]

Hey Z.

You haven't been keeping a girlfriend from me this entire time, have you?

[Though despite what might be expected, Baren's not exactly feeling jealousy or betrayal - but he'd never flirt with a man who's already taken. There are some lines that he very specifically never crosses.]