[yeah join the club baren.]

This is why I don't say that shit! Don't ask if you don't want to know!

Yeah, well don't feel stupid things!! What the fuck?! Gross! Who are you - Ryan Gosling?!

[IS THIS A ROMCOM

WHERE ARE THE CAMERAS]

Stick to stunts, acting isn't meant for you!!

WHO SAID I WAS ACTING?! AND WHAT DOES RYAN GOSLING HAVE TO DO WITH IT?!

[THIS IS WHY SINCERITY SUCKS]

[THEY'RE NOT MEANT FOR THIS]

It means you suck!!

[and that baren might've had a small heart attack (read: doki) but like

what the fuck ever, man!!!!!]

Ughhhh, now I feel like I need a shower. Stupid. Smelly. Annoying. Moron!

Yeah, you better be sorry, idiot!

[AND NOW IT'S HIS TURN TO SHOVE ZORO]

OW! WHAT THE HELL?! QUIT IT! I ALREADY APOLOGIZED! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

[YOU'RE ONLY SHOVING HIM MORE INTO THE BATHROOM BAREN???]

The same shit is wrong with me - but clearly you got fucked up even worse after repeatedly getting your ass kicked!!

[UGHHH. HE'S IRRITATED, even though he doesn't want Zoro to fuckin conk his head against some bathroom tile.]

What's up with that sentimental bullshit, huh?!

[yeah, zoro would've crashed into his (their?) tub if he hadn't caught hold of the sink. and... almost tore it out bc... what is controlling his strength yet. luckily, it's still in place. just a bit of plaster cracks.

lowkey hopes baren didn't notice that.]

It wasn't–I wasn't being sentimental! I was being honest! Isn't that what you want from me?! Stop making a big deal of it already! It was embarrassing enough!

[sad fact of life: baren notices that]

.... I just -

[fuckin bought this place. for zoro. after he lost his house. which still hasn't come back. and then there's the whole thing about him being honest about missing him and being sorry and

nope

nope nope nope

baren definitely jabs at wherever zoro still has an obvious wound - not enough to reopen, but enough to hurt - before making an aggravated noise and storming back out of the bathroom

at least he doesn't head for the door or the bedroom. just the kitchen.]

You! Suck...!!

[HE CAN'T PROCESS THIS]

[zoro shouts as the pain makes his grip go limp. He falls back, head hitting the rim of the porcelain tub. Thankfully no cracks show up but it sure does hurt. He spends a few minutes there on the bathroom floor rubbing the back of his neck, muttering.]

What the hell is his issue...?

[he kind of doesn't want to go deal with it. But an ice pack calls. Groaning, he lifts himself up and waddles to the freezer. Holding a panda-bear shaped icepack to the back of his head, he turns to baren.]

So are you gonna accept it or what?

I'm still mad at you.

[.... is what he says, but he's already set on making dinner with whatever is left in the fridge. If he can make one of Zoro's favorite foods with what they've got, that's what he's doing.

Don't mention it.

But he does point at Zoro with his chopsticks.]

But if memory serves, you didn't dismiss me.

[You're with me until I decide you're not. Get it?

He promised.]

So you and I both have to deal with it until I decide it's too exhausting to still be pissed at you - or you decide you want me to go.

[He doesn't know why the answer surprises him but it takes a good minute to register. As it settles, he begins to smile, his whole demeanor gradually becoming warmer.

They promised.

Zoro sidles up to Baren's side.]

Like I'd ever dismiss you. [And he'll just sneak a bite of whatever veggie Baren just chopped.] Need help cutting anything?

[ . . . .

Baren just reaches up with his free hand to push Zoro's face away in IRRITATION.]

You're stupid and gross and should feel bad. Didn't you hear that I'm still mad?!

[this is the most domestic thing]

[Instead of getting angry, Zoro just laughs again. He lets the push shove him away, but just a few steps.]

That's why I'm offering to help, idiot. Already apologized. Cut me some slack.

[he says, stealing another bite.]

[STOP!! LAUGHING!!! AAAAAAA, HE'S SO EMBARRASSED EXHAUSTED.

There's another dramatic chopstick point though, before he goes back to guarding the food.]

Not good enough, dumbass!! And quit eating before I put it all together -

Anyway, you don't even get what I'm mad about. I'm getting a bum deal here so I'm figuring out what you owe me.

What do you mean it's not good enough?!

[DO YOU KNOW HOW RARELY HE SAYS THAT SHIT AND MEANS IT 100% BAREN???? at least now baren's getting his wish and his smile's going away. he leans against the counter and crosses his arms.]

You're mad you have to keep worrying about me getting too injured. That now that I've got this weird thing I won't have any concern for my safety and overdo it. You're tired of seeing me hurt and being the one responsible for my recovery. You don't want to lose me but my recklessness wore you down. It'd be easier for you to cut ties then watch me kill myself.

Am I close?

No.

[Yes.]

Why would I waste my time worrying over your reckless ass? It's what you do for a living.

[But now there are monsters and so it's different when you throw yourself at things that are actively trying to kill you.]

If you end up killing yourself, I always figured I'd just see you in hell.

[Living without you until then just sounds harder than expected.]

... you're just really fucking annoying about it. And you don't tell me half the shit you get up to unless I end up bringing it up myself. Secrets are fair game between us but they're starting to get in my way now.

[... Yeah, that's a decent enough lie.]

Right.

[He's not sure whether to buy it or not so he gives it half-and-half. None of it's a lie. Not really. It's just more a shroud to hide the truth. That was how Baren worked. Most of the time.

Zoro's pretty sure his mostly right. It's only the issue at the end that leaves him second guessing.]

So you want me to be even more honest with you. That what you're saying?

I can't work if I don't have enough information, Z. If it was like it was before, it wouldn't matter to me what you did even if the world was burning. But if you want to keep me? I don't want to lose my fucking mind.

[Terms and conditions - as per always. Amendments being made to agreements once Baren found things that didn't work.

Again, he knows he's asking for a lot. Cooking Zoro's favorite dinner won't be enough. If Zoro agrees to this, it might be uneven again -

And at some point, Baren didn't like that anymore.]

Can you deal with that?

Depends. You're gonna have to be more upfront about what that involves.

[yeah. all that prior happiness is gone.]

I'm not gonna be monitored, Baren.

[Constant updates, check-ins–even in the tunnels it was getting too much for him. The foundation of their friendship was freedom. That gets taken away then there's not much left to hold up everything else.]

[Baren hums thoughtfully at that, openly thinking about it.]

I don't like monitoring people...

[ - but he likes information. He likes knowing when someone's in danger, or injured. He likes knowing where all of the pieces are on the chessboard, even if he's not actively manipulating them. He tastes one of the pieces of meat in the pan, chewing as he lets the thoughts roll around in his head.

He takes another piece and holds it out for Zoro to sample.]

I just don't believe in you staying alive for a bunch of fucking digital fish.

[which he never got around to deleting anyway]

[Zoro plucks the morsel out of Baren's fingers with his teeth. Gives an affirming nod. Good.]

Then believe in me staying alive for my promise.

[Something Baren probably underestimates. That's fine. He'll show him.] I told you I would always be here. That's not gonna change.

[When they go to hell, they'll go together. Anything else would just mean a broken vow.]

... Right now it's hard. I'm trying to find my limits. That's why I slipped up before. Now I have an idea where the line is. [He uncrosses his arms, braces himself on the counter instead.] I'll be more careful. I won't let it happen again.

[And that's as much of the truth as he can promise.]

[It makes sense, even if Baren doesn't like it.

Finding your limits, testing the very edges of what you can do - his own acrobatics are different. He can determine that based on his own practice. But things like when Yamato wants to know the extent of his healing, or when Zoro wants to test the edges of his immortality, it's different.

... sure, it could've been more of a controlled experiment, but Baren really doesn't expect Zoro to think that hard about safety precautions.

He turns off the stove but before he serves them both, he turns to Zoro and tilts his head, defiant as ever even though he has no place to be making demands.]

... Then I want a new promise. Small revision.

[You can't revise a promise but fine. He sighs, tilting his head to the side.]

Say it.

[In that case, Baren thinks that it's good as done, even though that's not how promises work at all.]

You want me to stay with you? Fine.

But I don't settle and I don't like keeping things small. So you'll have to prove it if you want to stick with me too, and I expect you to keep up.

No lies, no betrayal, no turning back when things get difficult, right?

[It's almost the same as the swords - almost. There's a difference when he's talking to a person who is also a weapon, who can't betray him and have an innate sense of loyalty as a tool. Zoro's not like that. No matter what, he'll never just be a tool.

But if it's certainty and dedication - ]

Remember how I said I wanted to rule over a small kingdom? That might still be BS...

But having a knight doesn't sound so bad. Pirate knight sounds stupid, but I guess we can work with it.

No.

[Pirate knight does sound stupid and he's lowkey offended Baren couldn't figure out the proper title for them. Rank is rank, even among pirates and knights.]

Be my captain. I'll be your first mate, your knight, your whatever–so long as I'm your right hand.

[He closes the distance between them until their chests nearly touch.] But if you ever do monitor me... if you ever do take my freedom–[he grins]–I'll kick your ass.

Get it, captain?